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Pot Potential

Maybe marijuana isn’t all that bad.  A story titled “Marijuana waste helps turn pot-eating pigs into tasty pork roast” caught the attention last Tuesday, as it described how a five-acre farm north of Seattle has discovered how using weed waste into pig food could potentially revolutionize the hog industry and increase per pig profits.

The article went on to point out pigs who were supplemented with the “herbal remedy” ended up 20 to 30 pounds heavier than other pigs in the same litter, in turn creating more revenue for its owners.

Just as with the perceived positive impact of pot-smoking in the pork processing industry, if other countries and industries got on board with a law allowing grass-smoking, perhaps the pot puffing people would potentially create other particular positives for the general population ( I hope you enjoyed the alliteration ): – First off, there would be no one happier than the Cheetos’ cheetah.

After all these years of ( attempting to ) keeping his recreational activities hidden, Chester the Cheetah will finally be able to achieve his lifelong dream of being pictured on a chips bag holding a finely-wrapped toque rather than a cheesy snack.

And, just like modern-day athletes ‘coming out of the closet’ motivates their peers to do the same, Chester ‘emerging from the smoke’ may motivate cartoon-mates to follow.

It would explain why the Pillsbury Dough Boy continues to laugh every time a finger is wedged in to his belly ( when any normal being would have likely snapped like Tiger Woods’ ex by now ).  Toucan Sam’s exploits and continuous flight attempts resulting in him soaring straight in to a tree would suddenly make sense ( don’t puff and pilot ).  After various featured Wheaties’ box athletes have tested positive for some kind of drug or steroid, it would only seem fitting the wheatie character followed suit ( perhaps there’s more to being a champion than simply one’s breakfast ).  And Tony, c’mon, those Frosted Flakes are good, but ar! e they really that Grrrrrrrrreat!? ( guess it depends on who yo! ur dealer is ).  – Any business stalking food could forget about the ‘poor economy’.  Grocery stores could expect evening hordes of half-hazed, red-eyed residents slowly filing into their store with zombie-like precision and intelligence with only three thoughts on the mind: cookies, chips and pizzas.

There would be an unequivocal growth in restaurant delivery sales, as well as requests for take-out menus ( a few puffs and things apparently start disappearing, too ).  On the negative, there would be a sudden inflation in wage expectancy for restaurant telephone operator controllers as they’d have to decipher through calls that included periods of silence, giggling, and orders that comprised not of the actual name of the food wanted but rather orders by description such as, “I’ll take this one” ( as the caller points to the menu in their home, temporarily oblivious to the fact the person they are calling can’t see what they’re looking at ), or “I had it the last time…it was that g! ood one”, or “Anything with lots of cheese on it” followed by a followup phone call request of, “Can I get extra cheese on that”.  On the positive, restaurant owners will no longer have issue with wrong orders; customers will either a ) call back giggling hysterically at the humorous prank pulled on them or b ) take the wrong order as a philosophical epiphany ( “I really did want lasagna instead of ribs.  How did they know?” ).  Delivery boys would also see a huge spike in tips ( although they would likely come in the form of hugs and compliments about how nice their uniform is ).  -The NHL could see a huge spike in revenue.

The “Crime Commissioner” Brendan Shanahan would see his job become irrelevant as dirty hits would become self-eliminated by now-perenially-positive players, and fights would reach an all-time low ( with the only altercations being spurred on by a debate of which Bob Marley song is the all-time greatest ).  Scoring would return to its golden years like in the pre-90′! s as either a ) goaltenders become complacent midway through the game wh! ile internally debating why they should stop the puck while no one else on their team is or b ) the keepers become distracted by the nacho tray sitting on the lap of a fan in the first row.  Meanwhile, all special teams play would be eliminated as the men in stripes would allow players 30 seconds to talk and hug it out rather than make anyone sit on their own in the penalty box.  -While making late-night arrests, lawmakers would no longer have to argue with citizens or worry about anyone resisting cuffs.

Training for officers will also change, as they would no longer be taught how to tackle, restrain or pursue culprits.

That training time would instead be used to ensure all recruits earn a minor in philosophy to instead cause criminals to fall in to submission through confusion or mental distraction.  Meanwhile, the COPS television show would face an all-time viewership drop as available footage of chases and violence plummets ( although show producers would likely bring the show back to relevance after revamping its storyline to resemble that of a ‘Beavis and Butthead’ script and renaming it “The Great Cornholio!” ).  Well that was fun! I’m sure this could continue on, but we’re out of space, so be sure to keep a smile on your face for the week and I’ll be sure to keep a soberly-induced smirk on mine as well.

Source: Neepawa Press, The (CN MB)
Copyright: 2013 Glacier Community Media
Author: Kaiten Critchlow

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