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A little somethin, long list of bud jokes

Q: How do you know you are a true stoner?
A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!

Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
A: Malnutrition.

Q: What is a stoners idea of a balanced diet?
A: A joint in each hand!

Q: What do get when you soak a spliff in Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!

Q: How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A: Wave.

Q: What do you get when you eat marijuana ?
A: A pot belly

Q: What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.

Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.

Q: How do you know your a pothead?
A: You studied five days for a urine test?

Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn’t inhale?
A: Mr. President.

Q: What’s the point of a weed wacker?
A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!

Q: How do fish party ?
A: Seaweed.

Q: What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A: A Liar.

Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?
A: A pot hole!

Q: What is Reality?
A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.

A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!"
The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"
The stoner says "DUH, in a big red truck!"

Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: Screw it, we got lighters

Q. How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad?
A. I don’t know! I’ve never had it longer than an hour!

Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
A: Tokemon!

Q: What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A: Politicians don’t inhale…they just suck.

Q. What’s the difference between a stoner and a tweeker?
A. When a pothead is driving down a road he is driving about 20 mph and eating the upholstery. When a tweeker is driving down a road he is driving about 100 mph, and talking to the upholstery.

Q. Why did the stoner cross the street?
A. His dealer lived on the other side.

Q: What do a bad football team and a pothead have in common?
A: They both get blitzed!

Q: How many Stoners does it take to change a light bulb
A: Who cares man, its to bright in here anyway!

Q: How did the pothead burn his ear?
A: He answered the phone while ironing his clothes

Q. How do you get an one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A: Hold out a joint!

Stoner Songs

Weed is good, weed is fine,
If you share your weed, ill share mine..

I smoke weed every day and night
I’ve smoked so much that i cant see light
I can not see, I can not smell …shit
I’m in tha beggining of a fucked up hell!

If u think hell is worse then life
Then if I was you I would pick up tha knife
Stab thyself prepare to cry
But tha key objective is:not to die!
I failed that objective
So im going to die
This is tha end of my rhyme
So i gotta say bye!!

Smoking Weed Is Fun To Do
I Bet One Day You’Ll Do It Too
A Bong A Blunt Maybe Even A Joint
They All Get You High, Get My Point
So With One Single Puff, As You Take It All In
This Is Where The Fun Begins
I May Be As High,As High As The Sun
But Who Gives A Fuck Its Not Hurtting No One
Some Say Its Bad, Like All Other Drugs
But You’Ll Say Fuck It Once You Look At These Buds
With These Few Last Words I Tell You My Friend
Light That Blunt Up And Let The Fun Begin

Stoners live and stoners die,
But in the end we all get high,
So, if at first you don’t suceed,
Fuck this world and smoke some weed.

I was here, but now I’m not,
I’m round da corner smokin’ pot!
I’ve wrote this message to prove a point,
Life is shit without a joint!

Weed Limerick

There once was a bud named B.C.
He grew on a 7 foot tree
Till one day I plucked him Rolled him & smoked him
And now I can barely see!

Stoner Prayer

Now I pass out into sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Grant no other stoner take
My weed and bong before I wake
Keep me safely in thy sight
And grant no crackhead’s thrill tonight
And in the morning let me awake
Breathing scents of wake ’n bake
God protect me in my dreams
and make this better than it seems
Grant the time may siwftly fly
When myself shall be so high
In a green grass weed bed
Where I long to rest my head
Far away from all these scenes
And the smell of bammer smoked by beans
Take me back into the land
Where the cops never take you out
Where the weed won’t burn my throat like sand;
Where the scent of chronis blows
Where the good Mary Jane grows;
Take me back and I’ll promise then
Never to leave BC again

Weed Bar Jokes

The Party

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.
The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"
The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You’re an ambulance!"

Evils of Marijuana

A certain college professor was known for getting off topic during lectures
His favorite off-topic subject was "the evils of marijuana".
One day into his lecture he started talking about weed,
"Used regularly," he explained,"pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? Now that’s absurd!"
"Yes young man, it’s sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

Down The Hill

A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill.
The drunk said, "Fuck This, I’m gonna pretend I’m a bottle and just roll down the hill!"
So he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill.
When he got to the bottom the drunk was in pieces on the ground
So the stoner walked over to him and the drunk looks up and says "How did you make it without getting hurt?"
The stoner said I pretended I was a joint!

Two Hippies

Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says "This is a really long fucking staircase!"
The other Hippie says "I don’t mind the stairs, it’s this low fucking handrail thats killing me."

Weed Proverbs

Don’t drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly!
I’m not as think as you stoned I am!
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

FBI
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes, how can we help you sir?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but cant find any marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.
Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" said his best friend
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" his best friend asked
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!" his best friend replied

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don’t sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the store owner says, "I told you I don’t sell to potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!"
The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I’m a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that’s a microwave."

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